Are you fat — I mean, horizontally challenged and metabolically slow? Then you are guilty! Guilty of causing global warming, of course — at least according to a recently released study, which, among other things, blames fat people for the terrible fate awaiting polar bears: “Dr Phil Edwards, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, said: “Moving about in a heavy body is like driving in a gas guzzler.”

According to the report,

Each fat person is said to be responsible for emitting a tonne more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than a thin one. It means an extra BILLION TONNES of CO2 a year is created, according to World Health Organisation estimates of overweight people.

That the World Health Organization had estimates of overweight people is reasonable, but that they would calculate their average per capita CO2 emission a year is a little over the top. Naturally, it’s only a short step to designating evil:

The scientists say providing extra grub for them to guzzle adds to carbon emissions that heat up the world, melting polar ice caps, raising sea levels and killing rain forests.

The environmental impact of fat humans is made even worse because they are more likely to travel by car – another major cause of carbon emissions.

So, to recap, if you are fat and walk about, you’ll produce more CO2. If you stop walking and drive, that’s even worse. Policy prescription: fat people should neither walk nor drive. How about flying?

Fortunately, there’s a silver lining in the story: the problem doesn’t lie with all exceedingly overweight people — mostly the overweight in Western countries. That’s because “researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine say wealthy nations like the US and Britain are getting fatter by the decade.”

As usual, the Western way of life is responsible for all the evils in the world.

We should all apologize and go on a diet.