Speaking on behalf of a troubled nation, I would like to thank Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for establishing new standards by which we can all live. For example, from now on if I arrive home two hours later than I said I was going to, and my wife indignantly asks me where I had been, I will simply say that I came under sniper fire. This is sure to be followed by expressions of concern and worry, and a request to inform her of the details, followed by a relaxing shoulder massage and the insistence that I get a good night’s sleep. Only the next morning, I expect, will the fact that the news indicates there was no sniper fire anywhere in the New York region, will a follow-up question be asked. At which time I can say that I misspoke and I am very sorry.

Obama, too, has offered a new approach. From now on, any time I am asked any question about any topic of controversy involving Jews, I will simply say that I can no more disavow the Jew in question any more than I can disavow my grandmother. Meir Kahane? Baruch Goldstein? That rabbi in New Jersey who hired a hit man to kill his wife? How could I disavow them any more than I could disavow my own grandmother? I ask you.