Like a lot of other people this year, I have decided to run for President. True, I have no support, no money, and precious little energy. But I have one thing the other candidates lack: a modicum of respect for the English language. I am not referring to rules of grammar and usage, but rather to the belief that words have meanings and that when formed into sentences or paragraphs these should have meanings accessible to the naked mind. Words are more than notes of music to be strung together to make sweet sounds, but you wouldn’t know it from listening to my opponents. Consider their declaration speeches:

Mitt Romney: “It is time to build a new American dream for all of America’s families. . . . It is a time to do, as well as to dream.”

Dennis Kucinich: “My conscience calls me to action. . . . My campaign will be about the truth in action. It will be about the power of decisiveness, the power of compassion which comes from an understanding of the imperative of human unity.”

Hillary Clinton: “So let’s talk. Let’s chat. Let’s start a dialogue about your ideas and mine. . . . And while I can’t visit everyone’s living room, I can try.”

Barack Obama: “Join me in this improbable quest, if you feel destiny calling and see as I see, a future of endless possibility stretching before us; if you sense as I sense that the time is now to shake off our slumber, and slough off our fear, and make good on the debt we owe past and future generations.”

And the pièce de résistance, Joe Biden, tying himself into rhetorical knots: “The next century will be an American century. . . . I am running for President because I believe we can stem this tide.”

Can anyone make sense of this blather, grandiosity, and plain mystification?

My pronouncements, in contrast, will be easy to understand. I will speak truth to (acquire) power. So here is my declaration of candidacy:

Fellow Americans, why do I want to be President? Like everyone else seeking the position, I am a person of inordinate ambition. I yearn for the bright lights, for the sound of “Hail to the Chief.” (In a dream I once thought I caught a glimpse of my likeness on Mount Rushmore.) Why should you vote for me? I’m sure I can do as good a job as the next fella, and I will try hard, since I am awfully concerned about my place in history.

For further campaign bulletins, watch this space.